


you must return to that place whence you came, and thence again to heaven

by Mariyekos



Series: letters from across the sea [1]
Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Bittersweet, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24332869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariyekos/pseuds/Mariyekos
Summary: “I need to know,” were the words that started it. The four short words that Tatiana had been dreading for three years, but knew would one day come. Four short words, uttered quick and breathlessly after yet another nightmare she could not help him with, and knew not the cause. The four short words that told her Zeke could no longer ignore the call of his forgotten past, and that he had to leave to figure it out before haunted half-memories and questions consumed him whole.She knew it was coming, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt to acknowledge he was going to go. Nor did it mean she'd stop him. And yet...
Relationships: Teeta | Tatiana/Zeke
Series: letters from across the sea [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756684
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	you must return to that place whence you came, and thence again to heaven

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from two lines from Doomsday Book by Connie Willis. I would not necessarily recommend reading it at the moment (it's a little too on-point and scary given current events), but I read it a year ago for class and some specific scenes came to mind while writing this. It's an interesting book, and heartbreaking at times, but definitely worth a read when the time's right. Also yeah the series title is totally dumb but I am so bad at titles and I expended all my "creativity" on the story title. Finally, Valentia doesn't seem to have months, so I tried only to refer to moons and the "season" (in this case Flostym) instead. Well without further ado, enjoy.

_35th of Flostym, Old Valentia Year 402, New Valentia Year 1._

* * *

“I need to know,” were the words that started it. The four short words that Tatiana had been dreading for three years, but knew would one day come. “I need to know,” Zeke had told her, eyebrows drawn together, lips dry, chest heaving with stuttered breaths one night in bed after a particularly terrible nightmare had thrown him into such a frenzy that he’d woken the both of them up tossing and turning and shouting different ‘no’s and ‘please’s as he’d slept. 

Tatiana hadn’t known what to say at first. He hadn’t said _what_ he needed to know. Hadn’t given any real indication of what it was, any hints to the specifics of the knowledge that evaded him.

But Tatiana knew. She’d always known, since the day she’d found him on that beach and he’d uttered the single word, the single name if her guess was correct, and passed out without a single sound more. Even before he woke for the first time she could tell his past had not been an easy one, body covered in scars old and new alongside half-healed wounds that by some miracle had been sealed enough by kelp and salt and seagrass that, while they made for a long and painful healing process, had not bled out enough to kill him. And the faces he made in that hazed sleep; the grimaces, the sudden bouts of stiffness, the murmured apologies with trembling lips as fever kept his mind just out of reach. Something horrible had happened to him, she knew. But when he woke, he didn’t. He remembered nothing horrible at all, for he remembered nothing at all.

So Tatiana had never pressed him on it. She didn’t ask him where he’d gotten his scars the first time she’d healed him shirtless after his awakening. She didn’t ask him where he’d learned to fight so well the first time he stopped a would-be group of bandits from ransacking their village. She didn’t ask him what he saw when he woke up screaming the first time they slept together and he shook so hard it moved the bed beneath him. 

At first, it had been because she wanted to respect his privacy. They were strangers, and it was none of her business asking him personal questions that would likely make him uncomfortable. But eventually, as they grew to become more than strangers and then more than friends, she kept quiet because she was scared. 

What if she had a life, back home in Archanea? A wife and a child he’d abandoned when he’d fallen into the sea, and would abandon her to reunite with? Friends he couldn’t bear to be parted from once he’d remembered them; a king to whom he’d pledged his life and needed to run back to?

It was terribly selfish to be worried about such things. And yet she was, and every time he woke up from another nightmare, she feared he might suddenly tell her he’d remembered everything and needed to go.

What kind of woman was she, to wish his memories might never return? To wish that, if he did, they were of an unhappy life, so that he might wish to stay?

The thoughts filled her with guilt. No good person wished for the unhappiness of others. 

Thus, instead of praying to Duma that Zeke never remembered, or praying to the Father that his life before was not a pleasant one, she instead prayed for him to stay. For him to remain by her side, to not leave her alone like she had been for so long before she’d come to the church and befriended its inhabitants, the villagers in the surrounding town, and when he’d appeared, Zeke. 

So when Zeke woke up that night covered in sweat and with an expression she’d never seen before, saying to no one in particular “I need to know,” not really even acknowledging her presence at first, she said nothing. She wouldn’t fight it. She’d known that he’d give in to the curiosity eventually; that one day he too would leave to chase after dreams and nightmares that had plagued him since he first woke in her church. On that beach.

She’d prayed to Duma that he would stay. But they’d killed Duma; her Father was gone. What power did old prayers have to a now-dead god?

When Zeke then blinked a few times, slowing his breaths and realizing where he was, Tatiana whispered a curt “okay.” He had to go, and she wasn’t in a position to stop him. Not with how haunted he looked at mentions of his past; not at the way he’d sometimes stare off into the distance, gazing to the East as though the direction held the most valuable but evasive treasure in the world. He couldn’t live the rest of his life like that. It wouldn’t be healthy.

Still, when Zeke did collect himself, he tried to take it back.

“Tatiana, I-”

She cut him off before he could finish his sentence. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what he was going to say. “It’s okay, Zeke. I’ve been waiting for this for a while.” She smiled. It felt warped. She wasn’t very good at pretending. “Luthier mentioned he was boarding the next ship to Archanea on the 50th of the season. I’m not sure when the next one is supposed to set sail.”

She watched Zeke’s expression crumble, feeling her own do the same. “Oh Tatiana…” he reached over, putting his arms around her and pulling her head to his chest in a hug. “I am sorry to have bothered you like this. You deserve to sleep. To have someone by your side, who would not leave you simply to chase after something he saw in nightmares-”

She pulled away, sniffing as she tried to will her tears away from falling. “But I have you. And I wouldn’t ask for anyone else.”

“...”

The tears didn’t listen to her mental commands. The wetness on her cheeks didn't help sell the smile that had fallen away. “Just promise to come back to me, please? You don’t need to rush. Do whatever it is you feel you need to do, but...please, come back to me when you’re done. Even if it’s just to say goodbye.”

“Don’t say that,” Zeke shot back, bringing his right hand to her face to wipe away the tears. “I would never leave you. Not forever. I gave you my word that I would stay by your side, that I’d be yours for eternity. Even if I were to leave for Archanea and find I had a happy life there, I would still leave it all to return to you. I swear.”

Tatiana frowned. “But if you were happy-”

“Whatever happiness I had then couldn’t begin to match the happiness I have now, with you.” He looked away. “Or...what I could have. I will admit I’ve been more distant than I would’ve liked to have been these past few seasons. It’s as though I feel my lost memories calling to me, urging me to find them, and they’ve pulled me away from you, my sweet. It isn’t fair to you, to be so close but detached. I promise none of my love has faded. It never will, even as the life leaves my body; whether that be when I am old and frail or young and unfortunate. I just…” He trailed off, swallowing hard.

“And if you felt that way about someone else, back in Archanea? If you have a young widow or widower who felt the same, grieving your loss?”

“Three years have passed since I first washed up on the shores of Valentia. Whoever I may have left behind thinks me long dead. They have had their time to grieve. Perhaps it is cruel to leave them thinking I am a corpse, but in all likelihood they’ve long since accepted I am gone. To suddenly reappear, when they’ve finally let me go… Even if I were to see a lost love was still alive, that would not make my love for you suddenly fade. You know that I am alive. You are the one who has stayed by my side through brutal wars and unpleasant night terrors. You will always come first. The man who lived in Archanea is dead. The man who washed up in Valentia is alive, and his own being. One who wishes to spend the rest of his life by you.”

“So you won’t go, then?” Tatiana asked, expectantly.

“...” Zeke took in a breath, but said nothing.

“...” Of course he couldn’t. She knew he had to. She knew it. She knew, and yet…

“You deserve more than half a man,” Zeke slowly began, choosing his words carefully. “My sweet, my darling, my precious Tatiana… I would remain by your side every hour of every day if I thought that would bring you ultimate happiness. But as I am now, waking you with night terrors, worrying you with distant stares...I know that I cannot. Archanea calls to me. Not forever. Not to claim me, never to let go. But if I’m ever to settle the terrible feeling I have in my gut; if I’m to make peace with my past and become the man you deserve, I need to know what that past holds. I need to know where those battlefields lie, why the swords crossed in front of me, how I came to drift in the sea... I beg of you, my love, don’t blame yourself. I am the broken one here, not you. You’ve done nothing wrong. I couldn’t possibly ask you to give more. But I could give more to you. And I swear, once I figure out who I was, who I am, I will return to you and give you everything I have and more. I will never leave your side again.”

His hand had slipped down from Tatiana’s face to her lap, finding its way toward her own. His hands were so cold. Clammy. Like he was sick, like the frenzy his nightmare had driven him to was dragging him down to an invisible illness that he could not abate. He rubbed his thumbs over the backs of her hands while Tatiana stared down at the sheets, eyes falling neither on their hands nor any other part of Zeke. 

She’d known for so long that this day was coming. And now that it was here…

She slipped her hands out from Zeke’s grip. Then slipped her body out of the bed, facing the wall opposite him.

“Teeta?” Zeke asked. A nickname he hardly ever used, and one he never used in public. An intimate one. 

“Well!” she exclaimed, spinning around and putting her hands on her hips. She wouldn't cry anymore. She wouldn't let this drag her down. So, she plastered up a smile and got to moving. “We better get packing then, if you’re going to make it on time. It’s a minimum 13 days ride to Zofia Harbor, and that’s with fresh horses.” She opened up their wardrobe, pulling out a few of his favorite coats.” If you’re going to make it on time you’ll need to leave by tomorrow morning-” a pair of riding boots, a pair for hiking, “-or today morning. It’s probably already past midnight, so that means we have less than six hours until dawn, and-”

Zeke had moved across the bed and hopped off the side in the middle of her speech, finally stopping her when he wrapped his arms around her once more.

“Teeta. You don’t have to force yourself.”

“I’m not forcing myself.”

“You’re shaking. You knocked over the vase of azaleas you set out last night.”

Tatiana looked down at the dark wood beneath her feet. There lie the vase, cracked and surrounded by the puddle of water that used to be inside, several flowers crushed beneath her feet.

“Oh.”

She sat on the bed.

Zeke picked up the vase and flowers and removed them from the room, returning with a towel to sop up the water that had been spilled. He took that away, too, when he was done. He returned with a glass of water, handing it to Tatiana with a delicate touch. “Here.”

She drank it slowly, looking down at the spot where the vase had fallen. There weren’t any chunks of clay, so it looked like it had only cracked, not broken. It still hurt. She wasn’t really sure how to feel. Zeke was kneeling there, right behind the spot. She could see his knees in the corner of her eye. And once she finished, his face too, as he leaned forward for a minute before standing up, taking the glass, and taking it away.

This time he returned without a word. He picked Tatiana up with a gentle touch, holding her in his arms for a minute before moving back the covers so he could slowly lay her back on the bed, pulling the covers back on top of her. He then walked around to his side, crawling under the covers himself.

“Sleep, Tatiana,” he told her. “We’ll talk in the morning.”

“Okay,” she replied. She cursed the slight tremble in her voice.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” she whispered back, scooting backward until she felt his chest against her back. His arms wrapped around her, and she soon fell asleep to the warmth of his chest and the steady beats of his heart.

* * *

She woke to a cold back and a warm face in the morning, sunlight filtering through the curtains in front of her but Zeke gone.

Her heart skipped a beat at that realization, shooting her to her feet and causing her to run out of the room so fast her thick socks lost their grip on the wood floor beneath them and sent her sliding toward the table and a collision that would leave her reeling.

Before she could make contact, however, strong arms caught her at the waist and pulled her up. She was set back down on the floor a moment later, allowing her to spin around and see her savior.

Zeke.

He was still home.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, eyebrows drawn together with concern.

“You’re still here,” she breathed, eyes wide, heart pounding. “You’re still-”

And then she saw it. The bags sitting by the door, packed and buckled shut.

“Ah.”

Zeke looked away for a moment. “Tatiana, I-”

She cut him off. “You didn’t wake me? I would’ve helped, you know.”

He made eye contact. “You needed the sleep, my sweet. I know you would have helped me, and have no doubts you could’ve done just as well as I have, but I thought the sleep was more important.”

Tatiana huffed. “Sleep? Well sure it’s important. But if one of us needs sleep, it’s you. You’re the one with the long journey in front of you!”

Zeke’s eyes widened. “Then you approve?”

A nod, though a bit hesitant. She'd thought about this scene more times than she could count. “Of course. You’re your own man, Ezekiel. A sweetie pie who I love to see every day and would be happy not to see go, but your own person nonetheless. You can go if you want to.” She took a breath, voice growing quite. “And since you _need_ to. I knew this was coming. I’ve known for a while. I just… I don’t know. I kept hoping it could wait until tomorrow, with every tomorrow bringing a wish for it to wait until the tomorrow that followed.”

Zeke took a step toward her, putting his hands on her shoulders. Not a hug, but treasured contact in any case. “I’ll return to you, my love, I swear it.”

“I know you will,” Tatiana responded, looking up to Zeke, corners of her lips upturned. “I know you intend to. But that doesn’t stop my heart from aching at the thought of not seeing you, or my mind from worrying that despite your best intentions something might stop you from coming back in a way beyond your control.”

“I understand. And I wish I could make your heart calm down, your mind stop racing, your hands stop shaking as they are-” she hadn’t even noticed that last one. But yet again… “-but in the meantime, all I have to reassure you are my vows. I will return to you, Tatiana. Whether I can do so without incident or whether it requires me to slay another god. I will not leave you forever. No matter what.”

Tatiana’s lips moved into a pout. “Well I certainly _hope_ it doesn’t come down to more godslaying! Archanea only has one, right? Naga? I didn’t learn much about her, in my studies, but by the way the texts described her she’s sure to be a powerful being. Only one god for an entire continent, while Valentia had both Father Duma and Mother Mila… Try to stay out of that, will you love?”

Zeke chuckled. The sound warmed her heart. She was going to miss that laugh. “Of course, dear. Besides, Archanea has just finished a war. In all likelihood peace shall reign for a long while before chaos envelops the continent once again. I will be fine, I assure you.”

“Promise you’ll write?”

“So long as I have control of my hands, I’ll write you a letter each day. And if some tragedy befalls me that strips me of that power, I will commission someone to write for me.”

Tatiana burst out laughing. “You don’t need to do that, silly! That’s too much.”

“For you?” Zeke raised an eyebrow. “Not at all.”

“You don’t need to write me a letter every day. I’m pretty sure the ships only leave Archanea every few weeks anyway, with how dangerous the seas are. Only very handsome and kind men are guaranteed to make the passage alive, you know.”

“Oh? Are you sure about that?”

“Well I have some pretty good proof, so… I’d say so!”

Zeke let out another laugh and took Tatiana in her arms, sweeping her toward him and setting his chin down in her hair. “I love you, Tatiana. Teeta. My sweet. My love, My darling. My world. I’m sorry I must leave you, but I can’t bear to see you suffer simply from being around my own suffering any longer. I will return a stronger man. Then I’ll bring you the happiness and love you deserve. I swear.”

Tatiana sighed, relaxing in his grip. “You’ve been swearing that a lot lately.”

“Perhaps I am trying to will it into existence.”

“Then I’ll help you. I swear I’ll keep waiting. I’ll never give up hope. I’ll stay here, tending our garden, helping out at the church, tutoring the local kids, and fighting the stray terror that wanders near until you get home safe and sound. I’ll wait for you, and I’ll think of you every night, praying to the Father for your safety.” She pulled away from him, twisting a strand of hair between her fingers as she looked him in the eye once more. “I know that might seem silly, seeing as we defeated Father Duma. But I think he’s still out there, somewhat. I don’t think you could ever truly kill a god. Maybe it’s just me being too stubborn to let go, but…”

...but Duma had brought her so many good things in life. Friends, in the church. A reason to live, when all hope had been lost. 

Zeke.

She hadn’t told him about it, now that she thought about it. She’d always been too embarrassed to. But the day he’d first washed up on the shore, Tatiana had been praying to the Father as she’d walked down that beach, asking him for a sign, for a reason to keep going on. For some sort of happiness that could help fight the loneliness that crept up at her no matter how many hours she spent chatting with her fellow priestesses or carrying baskets for the old ladies at market or reading to the children who gathered at the church doorstep with bright eyes and ready ears and laughter that warmed, but never fully lit her heart.

They were silent prayers. No one else ever suspected she had them, based on the conversations she’d had. But when she’d found Zeke and brought him back to the church to nurse him back to health, the head priest (seriously) and the fellow priestesses (jokingly) suggested that Zeke might’ve been a present from Duma. A thank-you for her service. She always brushed them off. Zeke was a person, not a thing. 

...But that didn’t stop her from thanking Duma for Zeke’s presence in her evening prayers. Whether it was because he’d actually brought Zeke to her, or because praying was a nice excuse for her to unload all her worries and happy thoughts.

Zeke’s voice drew her out of her thoughts. “It’s not stubborn. I find it perfectly reasonable. If it brings you comfort, my love, then I see no wrong in it. Death is for mortals. Gods are so far above...who’s to say? I appreciate the prayers. I’ll keep you in mine as well.”

Tatiana cocked her head to one side. “To who?” Though he supported her devotion to Duma, as far as Tatiana knew Zeke held no such devotion himself.

“The world. Spirits. Existence itself.”

“That works for me.”

She stepped back into the hug. They stayed like that for several minutes, breaking apart on Tatiana’s move. Upon looking over to the kitchen area, she realized a full meal lie on the counter, a teapot over the fire. 

He’d prepared her breakfast.

They ate together, chatting about small things. She’d had enough of all the talk about parting. For just a few minutes, they pretended it was a normal day. Like he was only leaving for a standard patrol, like she was going to go out to the market at noon and greet him at the door in the evening. It was nice.

They ate so slowly and chatted for so long the food went cold before they finished it. Tatiana didn’t mind, though. They were only putting off the inevitable, really. So there was a bit of melancholy there, the bittersweet happiness of knowing the moment the food was gone she would be saying goodbye.

The last bites were eaten.

They both rose.

Tatiana followed Zeke out the door, holding some of his bags as he tied the others to his horse, ready to begin the long ride to Zofia. And a hard one at that; he had two weeks to make it all the way to the Zofian East coast from their little village on the West coast of Rigel. If he didn’t rush fast enough, she would see him by the time the moon had retaken its current place in the sky, having missed his chance to return to his homeland. 

For a brief moment, she thought about how nice that would be. Only a single moon-cycle without him. But she dismissed the thought. The disappointment Zeke would feel at that would surely pass to her as well. She wanted him to be happy. When he was happy, she was happy. So she whispered a small prayer to the Father for the wind to be at Zeke’s back as he rode, for safe travels, and for a swift but appropriately-timed return.

With that, Zeke took the last bag from her hand and set it in its place.

Then, he took a deep breath. One hand cupped each cheek.

He leaned down, his lips just barely grazing her forehead in the most tender of kisses.

“I’ll be back for you, my sweet. No matter how hard the seas rage, no matter the fiends that may come for me, no matter the chaos I may encounter between our parting and our reunion. I will return to you. This I swear.”

Tatiana nodded, relishing in the kiss. Then, she reached for his shoulders, quickly pulling him down as she moved onto the balls of her feet to kiss him on the lips, gradually moving her arms in until she was nearly hanging off him, lips connecting them. And Zeke reciprocated, arms closing around her waist and lifting her up to meet him, only pulling away the smallest of distances for a quick breath before he moved back in, kissing her until neither had any breath left to hold.

“I love you,” Tatiana told him.

“I love you too,” he breathed back.

“You will write, won’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Then you better get going. I’d hate to have made you miss that boat.”

Zeke bowed, then mounted his horse.

“Until we next meet.”

And then, he was off.

And despite all her earlier fears, somehow, Tatiana felt content. He was coming back. She knew it. He was coming back, and she couldn’t wait until the day she saw him smile without that hidden, unknown weight behind it. She couldn’t wait until the day his arms wrapped around her without that slight tremble. The day he shone without that darkness.

The day he told her he’d be by her side for eternity, and would truly be there each day without fail.

Until then...

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of 2+ stories. Originally, I was going to write a few very short snippets of Tatiana's time waiting for Zeke to return from Archanea. But then I decided I would write an intro scene, and that intro scene somehow turned out to be 4,000 words long, and enough of a story that I decided it could stand on its own. I still plan on writing the letters at some point (hence the date at the top), but that's for another day when it's not nearly 11pm. As for the Duma talk... I got to talking to someone about religion today, and got reminded of a book I read for a class on (Medieval) Christianity while writing, so some faith stuff slipped in. I find the concept of faith really interesting, so every once in a while it'll pop up in something I write, hopefully in a way that makes sense to people other than me. Regardless, thank you for reading!


End file.
